


Sex Sent Me to the ER: Sylvain Edition

by Liza_Taylor



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Bernadetta von Varley is tired of Sylvain's BS, Comedy, Crack, Drabble, FE3H Kinkmeme, Gen, Sylvain Jose Gautier Being An Idiot, don't take this seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:22:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24495652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liza_Taylor/pseuds/Liza_Taylor
Summary: Bernadetta walks into Sylvain's room and sees a ridiculous sight.
Relationships: Sylvain Jose Gautier & Bernadetta von Varley
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	Sex Sent Me to the ER: Sylvain Edition

**Author's Note:**

> For the 3H Kink[Meme ](https://3houseskinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/476.html?thread=1253596#cmt1253596)
> 
> Prompt: We've seen enough of Felix's prolapse. Can I get horny Sylvain trying to spice up his masturbation routine and ending up with something stuck in his ass? Then he has to go to the infirmary and explain to mercedes/manuela/marianne/lin/flayn why the hell he has this object in his rectum?
> 
> Bonus points if it's a really funny excuse.  
> Double bonus points if Felix makes fun of him.
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~  
> This was just so funny that I couldn't help but write for it. Also I think this is the first fic I've written in a LONG time that is borderline a crackfic. lol

Bernadetta had seen some weird things since becoming Sylvain’s friend. It kind of came with the territory. Sylvain was the adventurous type and he always liked “trying new things” as he put it. It led to Bernadetta quickly becoming immune to anything she might see going into going into Sylvain’s room.

This though, this was something new.

“Wait Bernie! Don’t just close the door and pretend you didn’t see anything!”

Bernadetta took a deep breath and prayed to Seiros as she opened the door again and regarded Sylvain. He was on his hands and knees on his bed, his pants down to his knees. Alas, this wasn’t scandalous anymore to Bernadetta, having seen way too much multiple times over their years of friendship. He sent way too many paintings of his “trusted friend”(as he put it) to women and Bernadetta had accidently seen some of these paintings which meant she knew way too much about what his “friend” looked like.

What was new this time was the fact there was something sticking out of Sylvain’s ass. From this angle she couldn’t tell what it was there was obviously something in there that didn’t belong.

“Stop looking at me like that Bernie,” he whined. “I need help getting to the infirmary, I don’t think I can get it out without breaking it.”

Bernadetta took a long, deep breath and again prayed to Seiros for strength and courage. Mostly strength. “What did you put on your ass?”

Sylvain mumbled something under his breath.

“What was that?”

“A perfume bottle…”

“You...Sylvain…why.”

“One of my girls left it and it was an interesting shape and I was bored and please stop looking at me like that Bernie!”

“I mean how else would you want me to look at you!” Bernadetta massaged the bridge of her nose and took some long, deep breaths. “I assume you can’t walk there?”

“I really don’t want to move. Wait hang on, you’re not going to get someone Bernie, are you?”

“I am. There’s no way I can carry you.” She shut his door, ignoring his protests as she hurried to the training grounds. To no one’s surprise, Felix was there, going through a routine. When Bernadetta explained to him what had happened, Felix took a long, deep breath, similar to Bernadetta’s.

“That dumbass.”

Usually Bernadetta was inclined to defend Sylvain but not in this situation. He was a dumbass. They returned to Sylvain’s room.

“Damn it, why did you have to bring Felix, Bernie!?” Sylvain buried his face into his sheets.

“Because no one else would be willing to deal with your nonsense. Also seriously a perfume bottle? I knew your head is full of air but this is a little much, even for you,” grumbled Felix.

“Yes, yes, I know, I’m stupid, can you please help me now?”

“Oh, I’m going to but you aren’t going to live this down for a while.”

“Great, just great,” grumbled Sylvain.

Bernadetta helped Sylvian get onto Felix’s back and then she grabbed a blanket and tied it around Sylvain’s waist.

“At least someone cares about my modesty,” said Sylvain with a sigh.

“If you say anymore I’m leaving you here,” grumbled Felix.

They made their way to the infirmary, thankfully it was an odd hour so there weren’t many people in sight. Thank Seiros, Bernadetta knew they probably looked like an odd trio.

Once they were in the infirmary, Manuela stared at the perfume bottle and then at Sylvain. “May I ask…how this happened?”

“I wanted to make my butt smell good?” Sylvain said slowly.

“Somehow I doubt that is the reason for this at all.” Manuela sighed and looked to Felix and Bernadetta. “Thank you, I’ll take it from here. It might be a bit painful but I should be able to handle this situation.”

“Great, he’s all yours.” Felix turned and left.

Sylvian’s eyes widen as Bernadetta turned to leave. “Wait, you’re going to leave me here alone Bernie? I thought we were best friends forever.”

“We are but…you got yourself into this mess Sylvain so…” She shrugged. “Uh, I kind of don’t want to see you give birth to a perfume bottle.”

Sylvain blinked slowly and hung his head. “I think Felix and Ingrid have rubbed off on you Bernie.”

Bernadetta glanced at the contraptions Manuela was setting up behind him and she sent a silent prayer to Seiros for Sylvain before getting out of there. This was probably not going to be pretty.


End file.
